The Accountability Paradigm
Life will forever be the roller coaster I have mentioned before, and there will always be those sudden drops and turns that we don't see coming.
...this applies to every person's life, right?!
For the past year (almost), I have been wrestling with something that truly affected me in almost every facet of my life. If you have read my blog then you may think that this is in regards to the passing of my mother (which any other time it would be), this, however, is not about that.
I have been trying to overcome something that was really difficult, but more than the actual incident itself, I'm struggling more from the aftermath of it.
(I'm aware of my vagueness, but the incident is irrelevant, so bear with me.)
I want to focus on accountability, something everyone can relate to.
Not just the accountability of those who did what they did, but also the accountability of myself moving passed it and the accountability of those who continue to perpetuate it.
The internal turmoil, and fight to understand; evolve into a more compassionate person, a more understanding person, and just a better human being altogether. I'm working toward that right now.
I believe that when someone you love and care about hurts you in a way you never thought possible, you are so taken back that you seem to lose the ability to comprehend what has happened or anything at all for that matter. You begin to question if you even truly know that person. You doubt every action, every word, every moment that you shared.
"Was it all a lie?"
Because if it wasn't then how could something like that happen?
How could they knowingly hurt you so?
It's these questions that linger so far after the fact that become the real struggle. You can set your mind to forgive that person, but it does not happen over night. You really have to commit to it. Work towards it together. Eventually (for me, almost a year later), forgiveness happens. You feel it, you see it and that relationship is back to where it was. Actually, it's better. You have learned so many things about yourself, about the other person: fears, weaknesses, insecurities, and the overall "Hey, I am a human being and I fucked up but I'm going to do better."
Even though the relationship can move passed the pain that was inflicted, I have come to struggle with the internal pain that lingers. The pain that rests in my head and my heart is continually fed by two factors.
One:
Myself. I tend to emotionally cut myself by looking and listening to things that dredge up those awful feelings of pain, doubt, insecurity and loss. I mean, we all have been guilty of this. Purposely watching a sad movie, or listening to a depressing song because it is how we feel at that moment and maybe we need to cry it out.
I do it as well, but I also believe it is because I'm trying to understand the core of the issue. Trying to understand what, how, and WHY I feel...
Two:
The Outside World... Both things and people.
When incidences of this caliber happen, it's easier to escape and move past them within your own home (physical home and spiritual home), and within your own relationships. However, sometimes the outside world and outside people either intentionally, or perhaps more sadly, unintentionally reopen those wounds.
Either way, it's pouring salt, any way you look at it.
My feelings regarding this are layers deep and trying to dig through them becomes a heavy feat. I cannot hide from the world, because, uh, LIFE!
However, the world has a way of reminding me of things. The power lies within myself to turn away when things "pop up." I *can* control that.
As I stated before, I tend to seek things out on my own, that perpetuate my pain and that is my own fault. I take accountability for that.
The one thing I have no control over are the actions of others. There are those who have no idea what may have transpired in my life, and unknowingly will remind me of that pain (directly or indirectly). That is not their fault, and when this happens I have to swallow my pride, remind myself that that thing exists, and my life is moving forward.
I can't lie, it still stings, like a wasp sting that lingers even after the initial puncture.
Then there are people who are aware of what happened and they, on occasion, remind you of that pain. Their intentions, for the most part are not malicious whatsoever. Hell, there probably were times that they didn't even think about what they were doing or how it would affect you. Then there are times when they are aware and still choose to... throw that salt.
We should be accountable to each other, especially when we are knowingly doing something that will harm someone we care about.
Think and ask yourself: Is this action so important that I can justify creating a painful reminder for another person? Will it matter in five years?
When these reminders occur, I obviously become hurt and offended. But, I'm trying to train my thoughts, feelings and reactions. I'm focusing on FLIPPING IT AND REVERSING IT.
Will this still affect ME in five years?
Do I really think that that reminder is THAT important to dwell on?
Here is my turmoil that I'm sure you can relate to it.
You know that these people mean you no harm (some could, so fuck them), but it is up to you to work through these wounds and heal from them YOURSELF. Should others who are aware help you and be mindful of the fact that if the tables were turned they may feel very much like how you do? OF COURSE!!
BUT
The accountable paradigm is the process of wrestling with all these thoughts.
Who is to blame? Is there anyone to blame? What does blame serve? How can I heal? How can I not be so sensitive? What is the right way? What is the fastest, easiest way?
The answer is there are no answers! It is so individualized.
Since there are no answers, I've resolved to the following:
I have ultimate control over my feelings, thoughts and situations I am in.
In the end I need to do a few things: remove myself from the situations, take control over my emotional cutting, and distance myself from people who don't give a shit and hold on tight to those that do.
I've worked too hard to get to a place of feeling good again.
Being reminded of other painful experiences is just another mountain I'm learning to climb, and those abrupt, hurtful slaps in the face are just one more big boulder on this mountain that I will get over. At the top of said mountain, lies another lesson on how to be a better human being. I think of this as adding another tool to my arsenal for dealing with any future hardships. All of these experiences ultimately make me a stronger person. A stronger woman.
Just in this last week, these last few days rather, I've come to terms with all of the above.
In a good way!
So, if you can relate to all that I just rambled on about, keep your head up. Know you are loved and know that the world is not so shitty, just really challenging and there is so much yet to be discovered within it and within yourself.
Keep climbing.
...this applies to every person's life, right?!
For the past year (almost), I have been wrestling with something that truly affected me in almost every facet of my life. If you have read my blog then you may think that this is in regards to the passing of my mother (which any other time it would be), this, however, is not about that.
I have been trying to overcome something that was really difficult, but more than the actual incident itself, I'm struggling more from the aftermath of it.
(I'm aware of my vagueness, but the incident is irrelevant, so bear with me.)
I want to focus on accountability, something everyone can relate to.
Not just the accountability of those who did what they did, but also the accountability of myself moving passed it and the accountability of those who continue to perpetuate it.
The internal turmoil, and fight to understand; evolve into a more compassionate person, a more understanding person, and just a better human being altogether. I'm working toward that right now.
I believe that when someone you love and care about hurts you in a way you never thought possible, you are so taken back that you seem to lose the ability to comprehend what has happened or anything at all for that matter. You begin to question if you even truly know that person. You doubt every action, every word, every moment that you shared.
"Was it all a lie?"
Because if it wasn't then how could something like that happen?
How could they knowingly hurt you so?
It's these questions that linger so far after the fact that become the real struggle. You can set your mind to forgive that person, but it does not happen over night. You really have to commit to it. Work towards it together. Eventually (for me, almost a year later), forgiveness happens. You feel it, you see it and that relationship is back to where it was. Actually, it's better. You have learned so many things about yourself, about the other person: fears, weaknesses, insecurities, and the overall "Hey, I am a human being and I fucked up but I'm going to do better."
Even though the relationship can move passed the pain that was inflicted, I have come to struggle with the internal pain that lingers. The pain that rests in my head and my heart is continually fed by two factors.
One:
Myself. I tend to emotionally cut myself by looking and listening to things that dredge up those awful feelings of pain, doubt, insecurity and loss. I mean, we all have been guilty of this. Purposely watching a sad movie, or listening to a depressing song because it is how we feel at that moment and maybe we need to cry it out.
I do it as well, but I also believe it is because I'm trying to understand the core of the issue. Trying to understand what, how, and WHY I feel...
Two:
The Outside World... Both things and people.
When incidences of this caliber happen, it's easier to escape and move past them within your own home (physical home and spiritual home), and within your own relationships. However, sometimes the outside world and outside people either intentionally, or perhaps more sadly, unintentionally reopen those wounds.
Either way, it's pouring salt, any way you look at it.
My feelings regarding this are layers deep and trying to dig through them becomes a heavy feat. I cannot hide from the world, because, uh, LIFE!
However, the world has a way of reminding me of things. The power lies within myself to turn away when things "pop up." I *can* control that.
As I stated before, I tend to seek things out on my own, that perpetuate my pain and that is my own fault. I take accountability for that.
The one thing I have no control over are the actions of others. There are those who have no idea what may have transpired in my life, and unknowingly will remind me of that pain (directly or indirectly). That is not their fault, and when this happens I have to swallow my pride, remind myself that that thing exists, and my life is moving forward.
I can't lie, it still stings, like a wasp sting that lingers even after the initial puncture.
Then there are people who are aware of what happened and they, on occasion, remind you of that pain. Their intentions, for the most part are not malicious whatsoever. Hell, there probably were times that they didn't even think about what they were doing or how it would affect you. Then there are times when they are aware and still choose to... throw that salt.
We should be accountable to each other, especially when we are knowingly doing something that will harm someone we care about.
Think and ask yourself: Is this action so important that I can justify creating a painful reminder for another person? Will it matter in five years?
When these reminders occur, I obviously become hurt and offended. But, I'm trying to train my thoughts, feelings and reactions. I'm focusing on FLIPPING IT AND REVERSING IT.
Will this still affect ME in five years?
Do I really think that that reminder is THAT important to dwell on?
Here is my turmoil that I'm sure you can relate to it.
You know that these people mean you no harm (some could, so fuck them), but it is up to you to work through these wounds and heal from them YOURSELF. Should others who are aware help you and be mindful of the fact that if the tables were turned they may feel very much like how you do? OF COURSE!!
BUT
We are all accountable for our own feelings and reactions to situations.
The accountable paradigm is the process of wrestling with all these thoughts.
Who is to blame? Is there anyone to blame? What does blame serve? How can I heal? How can I not be so sensitive? What is the right way? What is the fastest, easiest way?
The answer is there are no answers! It is so individualized.
Since there are no answers, I've resolved to the following:
I have ultimate control over my feelings, thoughts and situations I am in.
In the end I need to do a few things: remove myself from the situations, take control over my emotional cutting, and distance myself from people who don't give a shit and hold on tight to those that do.
I've worked too hard to get to a place of feeling good again.
Being reminded of other painful experiences is just another mountain I'm learning to climb, and those abrupt, hurtful slaps in the face are just one more big boulder on this mountain that I will get over. At the top of said mountain, lies another lesson on how to be a better human being. I think of this as adding another tool to my arsenal for dealing with any future hardships. All of these experiences ultimately make me a stronger person. A stronger woman.
Just in this last week, these last few days rather, I've come to terms with all of the above.
In a good way!
So, if you can relate to all that I just rambled on about, keep your head up. Know you are loved and know that the world is not so shitty, just really challenging and there is so much yet to be discovered within it and within yourself.
Keep climbing.
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