Teeny-Tiny Steps Into a New Chapter
As the anniversary of the last day I saw my mother (April 25) and the actual day she passed away (April 28) approaches I'm taking a moment to reflect back on where I was four years ago, and where I am today.
I started by re-reading my old blog posts. Here is an excerpt from one I wrote three years ago, to the day, that really hits hard now:
"When asked about my future, or the incessant questions about having a baby, my automatic response is “I’m just not ready.” Even though that’s a true statement, the best way I’ve described how I think about the future is this: Think of your own future, those major milestones in life that you’ve thought about, day dreamed about, planned for, etc. If you are anything like me, then you have thought about those moments in such detail, down to what you’d wear, who would be there, what would be said, little random acts that would happen. Then imagine someone taking a giant eraser and erasing all of that. It’s like starting to plan and envision your future from scratch. When I think of having a child I used to think about the moment I would find out I was pregnant and how I would tell my mom. To the many doctor’s appointments, to her being in the room when I went into labor, to dropping my kids off at her house so they could experience the love that was Nana. The love that Bella and Lucas got to have for such a short amount of time, and the love that Sayda never got, but feels through the rest of us. I think about those moments and that’s why I am just not ready. I'm NOT putting my life on hold, I'm just trying to learn how to live my life without her"
As one would imagine, those older posts dredge up a lot of those feelings of overwhelming grief, despair and depression. But, it also allows me to reflect on where I was three years ago and where I am today.
So many teeny-tiny steps taken to get to where I am today.
I have always been open and honest about the loss of my mother and this post will be no different. However, the overall tone of this post will surely be different than the one three years ago.
I can acknowledge that my heart has healed for the most part, and although I still feel the loss, I have come to a place in my life where I am able to carry on and be happy without guilt. My mother was full of life and was such a loving person to all those that surrounded her. I want to make sure I honor her by doing the same. It is even more important that I do this now, as I get to pass on the motherly love, advice, care, and kindness she taught me, to my own child. She was the best role model in that aspect, and I plan on doing my very best to make her proud.
I am currently nineteen weeks pregnant and the excitement of meeting him or her is mounting, along with an overwhelming surge of emotions.
The sorrow I feel for my child, is in the simple fact that he or she will not know my mother as their Nana. Typing that alone brings down a stream of tears from my eyes.
A friend of a friend, was recently discussing grief and stated that you don't just lose someone right away, but rather, you lose them bit-by-bit. I have talked about this in my previous blogs, and it is so true. The pain of losing those loved ones, throughout your milestones, is so deep, because you know in your heart they should be there to share it with you. I desperately wanted to share all of these moments with my mom.
Four years have passed since her death, and I have come pretty far in my healing process. I look at how much has changed from the moment she died, to the moment I wrote that quote above three years ago.
I have changed and grown in so many ways. I am proud of where I am, and what I had to overcome to get here.
This next chapter in my life is one of great excitement. To watch my belly grow and know there is a sweet baby in there growing as well, is a surreal experience. One of the best parts about all of this right now, is that I get to share it all with the man that I could not possibly love more.
Cameron has given me so much in the way of happiness and support. Piece-by-piece he has collected me up from the bottom of the abyss of despair I felt trapped in. He helped restore so many broken aspects of my heart that I never thought could be repaired. He has never demeaned my grief, but has always been there to listen and understand as best as he could. He has shown an exorbitant amount of patience when the waves of depression knock me down for days on end.
He has held my hand and guided me along the last part of my path from the dark, out into the light.
I feel very luck to be able to share this experience with him. It makes me giddy. He has taught me to daydream of my future again with a smile and a full heart. Especially when I daydream of the moment he holds our child for the first time. I'm convinced my heart will explode from overwhelming admiration and love. He is going to be the most wonderful father, and I'm elated to witness him grow into that role.
The day I discovered I was pregnant was a day I was overcome with the longing for my mother's presence. I spent this day at Disneyland with my brother, sister-in-law, and two nieces. I couldn't pinpoint why it was an emotional day for me, but I felt the loss weighing on my heart more so than I had in a long time. Walking around that day, Ness and I happened to have a brief conversation about me being late on my cycle, and she convinced me to go home and take a test. I kind of blew it off, and we continued on. That night we ended our day at Disneyland watching fireworks over Cinderella's castle. While watching Sayda enjoy the show with such awe, I was overcome with everything I was feeling all day. It brought me to tears. Sayda is such a character and so many aspects of her personality mirror my mother's. It breaks my heart that my mother passed away only four months before she was born. She was so looking forward to meeting Sayda.
I had a very long, sad, tearful drive home that night. It's in these moments that I feel anger because my family and I were robbed of such an important person in our lives. My mother deserved to experience these wonderful moments with her kids and her grand babies. We also deserve to have her here with us.
When I had arrived home, Cameron and I had company so I didn't take the pregnancy test right away. I waited until I was headed to bed, but I wasn't too anxious as I was expecting a negative result anyways. Well, my assumption was clearly negated when those two pink lines slowly darkened. I decided not to say anything and I headed to bed, saying good night to everyone. I went on to take another test that morning, and again at work later that day. Every one of them positive. I guess I needed three tests to convince me :)
After letting it all sink in, I decided to make a gift to surprise Cameron with when I got home from work. I gave him the gift, which he was very confused about and I recorded the whole thing. Needless to say he was just as surprised as I was, but just as thrilled. He stumbled with his words for a moment, shed a few tears, yelled at me to turn the camera off, then hugged me so tight, rubbed my belly and smiled the biggest smile.
It has taken us both a while to wrap our heads around the idea that we will be parents soon. I think we will feel that way for years to come.
Every time we get to see our little one, via sonograms, our hearts become fuller. We are over the moon about this grand adventure we will be taking together.
We shared the news with our loved ones, and that alone was a wonderful experience. All of their reactions were priceless and all caught on video. I personally enjoyed the swift change of emotions that overcame them in such a short amount of time. From initial shock, to realization, to happiness was lovely. No one was expecting it!
However, my father did say "It's about time!" <3
My promise to our child is that he or she will know about their Nana in every way possible. I will tell them stories of her, share the voicemails I have saved where they can hear her voice and her contagious laugh. They will also watch Wizard of Oz, as it was Nana's favorite. Come to find out it was Cameron's favorite movie when he was little too. How poetic is that?
So, here I am, at a place in my life now where I have always wanted to be. I have felt more myself in the last couple of years than I have ever felt before.
I will continue to look behind the moon, and beyond the rain for my daily dose of strength and support from my mother. I know she is with me, and I hope that when this teeny-tiny person arrives, I see a part of Nana in him or her.
I can end this blog with a smile and a tear. I will continue to write, but I know my perspective will dramatically shift as this new little bundle of joy enters our lives.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support these past four years.
Cameron and I are excited to share this next chapter with you all.
I started by re-reading my old blog posts. Here is an excerpt from one I wrote three years ago, to the day, that really hits hard now:
"When asked about my future, or the incessant questions about having a baby, my automatic response is “I’m just not ready.” Even though that’s a true statement, the best way I’ve described how I think about the future is this: Think of your own future, those major milestones in life that you’ve thought about, day dreamed about, planned for, etc. If you are anything like me, then you have thought about those moments in such detail, down to what you’d wear, who would be there, what would be said, little random acts that would happen. Then imagine someone taking a giant eraser and erasing all of that. It’s like starting to plan and envision your future from scratch. When I think of having a child I used to think about the moment I would find out I was pregnant and how I would tell my mom. To the many doctor’s appointments, to her being in the room when I went into labor, to dropping my kids off at her house so they could experience the love that was Nana. The love that Bella and Lucas got to have for such a short amount of time, and the love that Sayda never got, but feels through the rest of us. I think about those moments and that’s why I am just not ready. I'm NOT putting my life on hold, I'm just trying to learn how to live my life without her"
 |
| The day my mom took me home |
As one would imagine, those older posts dredge up a lot of those feelings of overwhelming grief, despair and depression. But, it also allows me to reflect on where I was three years ago and where I am today.
So many teeny-tiny steps taken to get to where I am today.
I have always been open and honest about the loss of my mother and this post will be no different. However, the overall tone of this post will surely be different than the one three years ago.
I can acknowledge that my heart has healed for the most part, and although I still feel the loss, I have come to a place in my life where I am able to carry on and be happy without guilt. My mother was full of life and was such a loving person to all those that surrounded her. I want to make sure I honor her by doing the same. It is even more important that I do this now, as I get to pass on the motherly love, advice, care, and kindness she taught me, to my own child. She was the best role model in that aspect, and I plan on doing my very best to make her proud.
I am currently nineteen weeks pregnant and the excitement of meeting him or her is mounting, along with an overwhelming surge of emotions.
The sorrow I feel for my child, is in the simple fact that he or she will not know my mother as their Nana. Typing that alone brings down a stream of tears from my eyes.
A friend of a friend, was recently discussing grief and stated that you don't just lose someone right away, but rather, you lose them bit-by-bit. I have talked about this in my previous blogs, and it is so true. The pain of losing those loved ones, throughout your milestones, is so deep, because you know in your heart they should be there to share it with you. I desperately wanted to share all of these moments with my mom.
Four years have passed since her death, and I have come pretty far in my healing process. I look at how much has changed from the moment she died, to the moment I wrote that quote above three years ago.
I have changed and grown in so many ways. I am proud of where I am, and what I had to overcome to get here.
This next chapter in my life is one of great excitement. To watch my belly grow and know there is a sweet baby in there growing as well, is a surreal experience. One of the best parts about all of this right now, is that I get to share it all with the man that I could not possibly love more.
Cameron has given me so much in the way of happiness and support. Piece-by-piece he has collected me up from the bottom of the abyss of despair I felt trapped in. He helped restore so many broken aspects of my heart that I never thought could be repaired. He has never demeaned my grief, but has always been there to listen and understand as best as he could. He has shown an exorbitant amount of patience when the waves of depression knock me down for days on end.
He has held my hand and guided me along the last part of my path from the dark, out into the light.
I feel very luck to be able to share this experience with him. It makes me giddy. He has taught me to daydream of my future again with a smile and a full heart. Especially when I daydream of the moment he holds our child for the first time. I'm convinced my heart will explode from overwhelming admiration and love. He is going to be the most wonderful father, and I'm elated to witness him grow into that role.
The day I discovered I was pregnant was a day I was overcome with the longing for my mother's presence. I spent this day at Disneyland with my brother, sister-in-law, and two nieces. I couldn't pinpoint why it was an emotional day for me, but I felt the loss weighing on my heart more so than I had in a long time. Walking around that day, Ness and I happened to have a brief conversation about me being late on my cycle, and she convinced me to go home and take a test. I kind of blew it off, and we continued on. That night we ended our day at Disneyland watching fireworks over Cinderella's castle. While watching Sayda enjoy the show with such awe, I was overcome with everything I was feeling all day. It brought me to tears. Sayda is such a character and so many aspects of her personality mirror my mother's. It breaks my heart that my mother passed away only four months before she was born. She was so looking forward to meeting Sayda.
I had a very long, sad, tearful drive home that night. It's in these moments that I feel anger because my family and I were robbed of such an important person in our lives. My mother deserved to experience these wonderful moments with her kids and her grand babies. We also deserve to have her here with us.
 |
| Sayda and her MiMi |
When I had arrived home, Cameron and I had company so I didn't take the pregnancy test right away. I waited until I was headed to bed, but I wasn't too anxious as I was expecting a negative result anyways. Well, my assumption was clearly negated when those two pink lines slowly darkened. I decided not to say anything and I headed to bed, saying good night to everyone. I went on to take another test that morning, and again at work later that day. Every one of them positive. I guess I needed three tests to convince me :)
After letting it all sink in, I decided to make a gift to surprise Cameron with when I got home from work. I gave him the gift, which he was very confused about and I recorded the whole thing. Needless to say he was just as surprised as I was, but just as thrilled. He stumbled with his words for a moment, shed a few tears, yelled at me to turn the camera off, then hugged me so tight, rubbed my belly and smiled the biggest smile.
It has taken us both a while to wrap our heads around the idea that we will be parents soon. I think we will feel that way for years to come.
Every time we get to see our little one, via sonograms, our hearts become fuller. We are over the moon about this grand adventure we will be taking together.
 |
| From shock to realization to happiness <3 |
We shared the news with our loved ones, and that alone was a wonderful experience. All of their reactions were priceless and all caught on video. I personally enjoyed the swift change of emotions that overcame them in such a short amount of time. From initial shock, to realization, to happiness was lovely. No one was expecting it!
However, my father did say "It's about time!" <3
My promise to our child is that he or she will know about their Nana in every way possible. I will tell them stories of her, share the voicemails I have saved where they can hear her voice and her contagious laugh. They will also watch Wizard of Oz, as it was Nana's favorite. Come to find out it was Cameron's favorite movie when he was little too. How poetic is that?
So, here I am, at a place in my life now where I have always wanted to be. I have felt more myself in the last couple of years than I have ever felt before.
 |
| That growing belly. |
I will continue to look behind the moon, and beyond the rain for my daily dose of strength and support from my mother. I know she is with me, and I hope that when this teeny-tiny person arrives, I see a part of Nana in him or her.
I can end this blog with a smile and a tear. I will continue to write, but I know my perspective will dramatically shift as this new little bundle of joy enters our lives.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support these past four years.
Cameron and I are excited to share this next chapter with you all.
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