Keep On, Keepin' On.

Well...two years and a ton of changes.

I will be honest, I sometimes don't even recognize my life, and yet other times I feel that everything is more aligned than ever before.

As you all know just about two years ago my mom was taken from me, my dad, my brothers, my beautiful nieces and nephew, my sisters-in-law, my extended family, and her very dear friends. The world was robbed of one of the most incredible people. She only wanted to give love, make people smile and make them feel special. She was one-of-a-kind and I don't need to reiterate how much I miss her because I'm not quiet about it whatsoever.

Another life altering change that has happened has been the end of a 13 year relationship and a marriage. It will be a year in June since the separation and will be divorced before then. That's all I will say about that.

So, there that is and I have come to accept the road I now walk and I'm walking it with my head held high.

I am not claiming in any way to be an expert on grief or life challenges and changes; I simply know what I have dealt with and how it has affected me. I have grown in more ways than I thought possible, and I honestly feel that I have become a stronger woman and an overall better human being because of these experiences. I have gained insight, strength and courage to go after the life that I know I want and deserve.

In no particular order, insights and realizations I have reached: 

1. Acceptance: Life is never going to work out as I had planned and I have come to accept this. I will say that it has been difficult to accept how different things are now without my mom. She truly held a lot together, and without her a lot has shifted, transformed and changed. It's been a difficult thing to accept, but, I'm learning to adjust and it's OK. There are many new doors and new adventures ready to be had and I'm not scared of moving forward to meet them head on.

2. Judgment: It's OK if people judge me, because they're going to do it anyways. These people only judge because they don't understand and choose to believe what they want to believe. I have gotten so much better at not caring what other people think, but a part of me will always care and that's OK too. I'm not going to let it affect my life negatively anymore. My life is my own and at the end of the day I am with my own thoughts and I have to be happy with my choices.

3. Understanding: People have either verbally expressed disappointment, or passively expressed it in so many ways. Disappointment in how I handled my grief, my marriage or whatever else they didn't deem 'normal' or 'healthy'. Well, I've come to the conclusion that, WHO THE FUCK CARES?! No one knows what goes on behind closed doors except the people who are on the other side of it. People will choose to believe what they want, pass judgment, and I have come to accept and understand that that is their right to do so. It has allowed me to truly figure out who is on “Team Amy.”

4. Choices: I'm not stuck! I'm not and neither is anyone else. I have started to move on with my life in so many ways. New opportunities and new relationships have begun and it feels SO GOOD and I'm HAPPY. Seriously, so happy. 

5. Depression and Every Other Emotion: People have made comments about how open I am about my grief and my emotions. Some are supportive and some will have this passive tone of disapproval or annoyance when mentioning it. Here's the thing, I'm a person, I have feelings, I am open, I am vocal, and sharing my emotions is something that helps me. If you don't like it, then block-hide-ignore me. I'm fine with that. I have been dealing with depression for a while. Sometimes it lays hidden, and on occasion it pokes its ugly head out. Some truly know what I have dealt with, while most do not. Here is the thing, I'm handling it, and I will continue to handle it because I am a fighter and I fought to get to where I'm at now, which is in a really good place!

6. Strength: I'm strong. Not strong as in I can lift a 265lb deadlift (even though I CAN), but in the way that I climbed a mountain that I was pretty sure I was going to die on. I have fought my way through a lot of internal turmoil and I have come out a better and stronger woman. I didn't know I had it in me, and at times I did want to give up. I had my moments when I wanted to just stay in my bathtub and never come out. I would succumb to the depression and stay in bed all day (days) crying. I just wanted to stay there because things just seemed too hard to face. But, I always managed to pick myself up and kept keepin' on. I am stronger than I ever thought, and I honestly think I can handle anything thrown at me now. 

7. New Beginnings: It's a weird thing to start your life semi over. I have started to fantasize and day dream about my future again. For a long time I couldn't see my future. Everything I used to envision had my mom somewhere in the mix, experiencing each major milestone with me. I felt guilty for living my life without her. I still get overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt now and again. This usually happens when I'm out and about and enjoying life, then I will stop and think that she doesn't get to experience any of this anymore. But, I have come to think of these moments as her actually being with me and I feel her. I FEEL HER IN MY HEART. It has taken me a LONG time to get here, and it hasn't been easy but I'm OK! I'm truly OK. 

8. Gratitude: I'm so thankful for my true friends and my family. I'm thankful for the short 29 years I had my mom at my side. I'm grateful for what she taught me and the person she was because I will forever aspire to be as kind, loving and generous as she was. I know what unconditional love is, she taught me that. I also know what it feels like to be in love again, and it feels so wonderful. My heart got a kick start and now I get to openly share it with the world. So be prepared for the mushy love stuff, because I’m a giddy girl.

With all that being said, life has handed me one hell of a deck and I may have fucked up a few hands here and there, but who hasn't? I haven't stopped playing and I am still moving forward.

Next month I graduate with my master’s in Education. I started my masters the January before my mom died. I sometimes don't know how I managed to sit through class some days, or how I did my papers and research, but I did it. I did because I had the support of my family and my friends pushing me. I did it because my best friend Sophia was by my side encouraging me every step of the way and providing caffeine. Lots of caffeine. I know I would have dropped out and taken time off if it wasn't for her, and I will forever be in her debt. Thank you, Sophia, from the bottom of my heart.

I have a lot of good changes coming up this summer and I'm excited to share the next chapter of my life. I will forever miss my mom and I will still have my occasional break downs, but I'm living my life for me knowing that she is proud. Life is good, my heart is full, I'm in love, I'm happy and overall I AM ME.

I write this with so much love in my heart to everyone that reads it.